Sunday, November 16, 2008

Fighting Perfection

Today was tough, I woke up feeling depressed. Basically feeling like I am performing badly in my life, that nothing is going right. Work is tough and slow; my apartment feels messy, unholy; I don't feel worthy of being around anyone. As service was going on today (normally feeling joy) I felt shame and guilt for my life. Tons of lies running through my head. I rebelled against everone, leaving church without really saying hello to anyone, even didn't really talk with Ashley. It was sad. After leaving church on my way home, I didn't want to go home, I needed a place to rest, talk to God. I knew I needed to get to the office sometime today to gather my thoughts for this upcoming week but didn't want to go there because work was really depressing me. But I went any way. Ashley asked if she could join me and yes, I needed some encouragement. She was great. Really spoke truth to me and pointed me to the Cross. Reasurring that what I was feeling were lies. After some prayers and cries out to God and scripture I was finding myself energized, rejoicing, joking again. It was truly God in my office. Ashley prayed over the office to be full of Gods spirit. She prayed for God to heal, for us to seek him. He was present. I am one of the most blessed guys I know to be best friends with Ashley Sartaine. To get that sister encouragement and feeling someone cares so much for me is wonderful.

I wanted to be in a good place to serve the kids tonight, and if it were not for this I would have been a sloth all day and just went to be a body to the kids, instead I was very glad to be there and be with the kids. Ashley encouraged me with this, "Cliff I have been wanting to tell you for a while, you are so great with the kids, especially sweet to the little girls." (paraphraing of course) This really made the night for me and as the night went on I kept re-energizing.


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