Dealing with struggle

I have to say that I have the best person in my life to share things with, ashley sartaine! I love her. We had a tough afternoon dealing with jobs, motivation and other tough stuff. Anyway, we met back up at Sunergos around 4 and were able to talk about what we each dealt with and felt hurt about. It was right, good and a blessing. Its a blessing because when sharing with her I can really tell all, from my heart. There are just some people you cannot get deep with and I am very happy to say Ashley is my person where I can. It is very God honoring to work thru circumstances that effect each other and its amazing how it works when we both are dealing with sin. It realy shows God's control in our lives. I am so blessed that God created someone like her to, one, deal with me, and two, be so sacrificial, in her time, in her finances, and in her spirit. Its awesome! God's awesome and Ashley is my "keeps."

You can't teach this

The past few days have ben very stressful to say the least. But today I never woke to feel more loved. More needed and more served... all in the same day. Wow, even thru all this junk going on (more on this later). Ashley called me this morning to give her n old fashion pep talk. I was able to read to her and help get her ready for the day. After our phone call I kept on reading, getting my weekly email ready for Advent for my family. I ran across some good scripture I had to share with ashley, really for me in y day but it ended up being something she reeally needed. It was 1 Cor 15 (if I remember right) about Gods grace and its strength in our weakness. So my day went on and I picked up her from the mall (her mom is in town to do some shopping), and she had dinner for me, serving, and we headed to a meeting. We met with a local advertising guy, home-based, and got some real good inspirational stuff from him. Then we split up again, plans were for me to go on the job hunt more and Ashley was going to workout. Well, I get to find out that she actually spent some much needed time with God instead of distracting herself by working out. Awesome growth! So we had community group tonight and it was good, fun with Anna and good fellowship, as usual. Then we both came to my place, I showed her some of the jobs I applied for and we talked relationship. Plans were to watch a few episodes of Lost but we both were draggin', so Ashley left to go to bed. But to end the night we talked about life, God and family. Then we prayed and I started to read. It was great, Ashley warned me she was crashing hard. But I kept reading and I ended up reading to myself cause I looked at my phone and she was not responding. This is a first I put her to slepp with my soothing reading, my mumbles finally put her to rest. It felt kinda nice really. I hung up and thanked God for her. She is great and I am in love (and you can't teach this) and engage to be married.

My fight this week

Well, this week is one week of the year that from now on be different. My brother, Scott, died in July. And his brithday is always around Thanksgiving. Nov. 27, actually on Thanksgiving this year. My mom's is today, the 25th and my dad's is Saturday, the 29th. So, this week is bigger than Christmas as far as family time goes. So, needless to say, I am struggling. Lately because of this relationship with Ashley I have been able to open up and share what I am feeling. But this is so new and so tough, i want to hide, sleep lot and like ya do, separate from everything and everyone. So, I confess I have done this. Another note for those who read this and don't know my family that well, Scott's son, Zack, who lives in Columbus, OH, is in town for the week. We spent some great time together Sunday. It was great. We played on his Thomas train, full size, yeah its awesome, we fixed the apparently broken wheels a few times and kept going in circles. Then we played gun tag, I got bored but Zack did not. So I kept going. He, in the midst of this gun fight, multiple time refered to me a "daddy". I don't know if its a kid thing, it just slipped or if he is really confused and at times thinks I am Scott. This has really been tough these past few days to recall. I love him so much and miss Scott a lot, so you can imagine the feelings going thru my head then. So, it kinda put me in the spot I mentioned eariler in this post. I had to release these feelings somehow, so I took my time outside and talked with God. It was good, but something is still stuck in me.

But I want to talk about last night. I had some time by myself at my apt. It was good, watched some football, sat around thinking about my life, and sat in a one candle dark apartment for hours. I started to read the bible. Hook, line and sinker, thats what I needed. God using his power turned open scripture. I read Lamentations, and some Psalms. I had been doubting God in my life. I had been getting caught up in emotion and feelings. Which is human yes, but if I can truly be at a place to trust God's plan, then all those feelings go away and I am happy, joyful and loving life. I read Psalm 16. "What a wonderful inheritance." v6. He will show me the way of life and show me joy. "But Lord, you remain the same forever!" Lam 5:19. and v21 "Restore us, O Lord, and bring us back to you again! Give us back the joys we once had!" Awesome stuff. He will be here no matter what we are going thru.

I am dealing with Scott, mourning this week to come. I have confirmation that this is okay, but as a follower of Christ I can depend on God. Swoop me out of this pain and self destruction to celebrate life, of those around me, my family, and Zack.

Fighting Perfection

Today was tough, I woke up feeling depressed. Basically feeling like I am performing badly in my life, that nothing is going right. Work is tough and slow; my apartment feels messy, unholy; I don't feel worthy of being around anyone. As service was going on today (normally feeling joy) I felt shame and guilt for my life. Tons of lies running through my head. I rebelled against everone, leaving church without really saying hello to anyone, even didn't really talk with Ashley. It was sad. After leaving church on my way home, I didn't want to go home, I needed a place to rest, talk to God. I knew I needed to get to the office sometime today to gather my thoughts for this upcoming week but didn't want to go there because work was really depressing me. But I went any way. Ashley asked if she could join me and yes, I needed some encouragement. She was great. Really spoke truth to me and pointed me to the Cross. Reasurring that what I was feeling were lies. After some prayers and cries out to God and scripture I was finding myself energized, rejoicing, joking again. It was truly God in my office. Ashley prayed over the office to be full of Gods spirit. She prayed for God to heal, for us to seek him. He was present. I am one of the most blessed guys I know to be best friends with Ashley Sartaine. To get that sister encouragement and feeling someone cares so much for me is wonderful.

I wanted to be in a good place to serve the kids tonight, and if it were not for this I would have been a sloth all day and just went to be a body to the kids, instead I was very glad to be there and be with the kids. Ashley encouraged me with this, "Cliff I have been wanting to tell you for a while, you are so great with the kids, especially sweet to the little girls." (paraphraing of course) This really made the night for me and as the night went on I kept re-energizing.

Solid.