Tuesday, November 25, 2008

My fight this week

Well, this week is one week of the year that from now on be different. My brother, Scott, died in July. And his brithday is always around Thanksgiving. Nov. 27, actually on Thanksgiving this year. My mom's is today, the 25th and my dad's is Saturday, the 29th. So, this week is bigger than Christmas as far as family time goes. So, needless to say, I am struggling. Lately because of this relationship with Ashley I have been able to open up and share what I am feeling. But this is so new and so tough, i want to hide, sleep lot and like ya do, separate from everything and everyone. So, I confess I have done this. Another note for those who read this and don't know my family that well, Scott's son, Zack, who lives in Columbus, OH, is in town for the week. We spent some great time together Sunday. It was great. We played on his Thomas train, full size, yeah its awesome, we fixed the apparently broken wheels a few times and kept going in circles. Then we played gun tag, I got bored but Zack did not. So I kept going. He, in the midst of this gun fight, multiple time refered to me a "daddy". I don't know if its a kid thing, it just slipped or if he is really confused and at times thinks I am Scott. This has really been tough these past few days to recall. I love him so much and miss Scott a lot, so you can imagine the feelings going thru my head then. So, it kinda put me in the spot I mentioned eariler in this post. I had to release these feelings somehow, so I took my time outside and talked with God. It was good, but something is still stuck in me.

But I want to talk about last night. I had some time by myself at my apt. It was good, watched some football, sat around thinking about my life, and sat in a one candle dark apartment for hours. I started to read the bible. Hook, line and sinker, thats what I needed. God using his power turned open scripture. I read Lamentations, and some Psalms. I had been doubting God in my life. I had been getting caught up in emotion and feelings. Which is human yes, but if I can truly be at a place to trust God's plan, then all those feelings go away and I am happy, joyful and loving life. I read Psalm 16. "What a wonderful inheritance." v6. He will show me the way of life and show me joy. "But Lord, you remain the same forever!" Lam 5:19. and v21 "Restore us, O Lord, and bring us back to you again! Give us back the joys we once had!" Awesome stuff. He will be here no matter what we are going thru.

I am dealing with Scott, mourning this week to come. I have confirmation that this is okay, but as a follower of Christ I can depend on God. Swoop me out of this pain and self destruction to celebrate life, of those around me, my family, and Zack.

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